Trial By Fire

I saw a journal prompt that called out to me on Teri Leigh Owens' blog (http://www.inspiretobelieve.blogspot.com/) that I thought I would answer here. The prompt was to write about a tough time that you've gone through that has made you stronger. That's an easy one - it was the year and a half between when I first found out that my kidneys were failing and I needed a transplant and when I actually had the surgery.


We had always been told that transplantation was an eventual possibility for me. But because I had been healthy for so long, it was easy enough to sweep those thoughts under the rug and forget about them. Having the news come at me out of the blue really hit me hard. My first thought when the doctor told me the news was "If this is God's idea of a joke, I'm not laughing." After the initial shock wore off, the fear and the anger set it. I often thought, "How could God do this to me?" I didn't realize it at the time, but He was getting ready to teach me some really important lessons about my life, my faith, my beliefs and what it means to trust fully and completely in Him.


One of the first symptoms of my kidneys shutting down that I experienced was anemia. Have you ever had a day when you woke up really tired, and felt like you didn't have the energy to get out of bed? That's pretty much what it was like for me every day. I got tired going up and down stairs, I got tired taking my dog outside to go to the bathroom (at the time we were trying to keep her as an indoor dog), I even got tired just brushing my hair. My doctor warned me that it would happen; I just never expected it to start so soon. A few weeks after finding all of this out, I went to work at the Bible camp down the road for the summer. I got through the two training weeks okay, but by the end of the first week of camp I was completely exhausted, and things went downhill from there. I used to cry myself to sleep at night because I was so exhausted, and I woke up in the morning praying for enough strength to get through just one more day. By the beginning of the final week of camp, I was ready to go to the camp director and quit - I didn't think I could handle any more.


But you know what? God was right there with me all the time. I couldn't see it at the time, but looking back now I can see all the hundreds of ways that he was looking after me when I didn't have the strength to look after myself. There were my camp friends who were there for me with hugs and prayers whenever I needed them and offers to help me with my work chores and optional activities if I needed the rest or just needed extra help, there was the camp director assigning me more experienced CITs (counsellors-in-training) to help me, there was the way that I always managed to find the strength to get through that "one more day", there was the encouragement from the campers and pastors who came each week when they found out what I was dealing with, there were so many things. I often think of the poem "Footprints" by Margaret Fishback Powers, and I know that this was one of the times in my life when I would see only one set of footprints - my Heavenly Father was carrying me in His arms because I didn't have the strength to go on by myself.


It was during this time that I found my verse (you can see it on my sidebar). I came across it in a book that I was reading. When I read the words, I suddenly felt like God was speaking to me directly through the book and telling me that I had to trust in Him, and that everything was going to be alright. I memorized that verse, and I used to repeat it to myself whenever I got scared. I have a beautiful Thomas Kinkade bookmark with another version of this verse on it. It says "Always let Him lead you, and He will clear the way for you to follow". That's the biggest thing that I learned from all of this - to keep following Him, even when I can't see what lies around the next bend. He's know what's there, and He won't let me fall. I realize now that I can't make it on my own, in spite of my best efforts to do so. I need Him to guide me through the rough spots and to hold out that beacon of hope for me to follow.

When I reflect on this time in my life, I often think of the song "Refiner's Fire". Just as gold and silver is refined in the fire to make it stronger, God used this time to "refine" me to make me stronger. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be where I am today if not for what I went through. Thanks God.